September282014

This is the closest I’ll ever be to being in between Erens legs

This is the closest I’ll ever be to being in between Erens legs

(Source: heichoulicious, via tranquilityzsl)

3AM
pandaaamonium14:

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral…_________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________And last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


@Skylanders

pandaaamonium14:

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

@Skylanders

(via tranquilityzsl)

September22014

nemesismess:

if you have school tomorrow

image

(via tranquilityzsl)

August252014

windowsvriska:

do you ever wonder if u have a reputation like people u dont even know could have opinions about u 

(Source: vampirequeenarchives, via tranquilityzsl)

7PM

aminaabramovic:

I don’t get these posts that go like “part of me wants to be a hot girl at the bar and the other part of me wants to read and sip tea in a bookstore”

like you can wear red lipstick and a leather jacket and sip tea and dance in the rain and go to the gym and curl up in bed and get turnt the fuck up and go to church

you can literally have it all sis

the world is yours

(via tranquilityzsl)

6PM

cwiiis:

tbh i can’t imagine changing my vocabulary when i get older and it’s so surreal
like i’ll meet my buddies at the shuffleboard place and i’ll be all “sup fucking nerds you’re gonna get wrecked”

(via fongis2spooky)

9AM
  • guys: uh why do girls care so much about being skinny? it's so annoying
  • guys: ew fat chicks
  • guys: why do girls care so much about shopping and romance and nail polish lol so annoying
  • guys: ew crazy butch lesbian manly feminazis why can't they act more feminine lol
  • guys: why do girls wear makeup they look so much better without it
  • guys: oh i'm so sorry are you sick? tired? dying?
  • guys: haha girls suck at math/science/sports
  • guys: a girl who does math/science/sports? well? get back in the kitchen that shits not gonna get you a husband
  • guys: why are girls so sensitive when we look at their boobs or something c'mon with that top you're asking for it
  • guys: oh my god a gay guy just hit on me how fucking disgusting what a creeper doesn't he have any boundaries?
August242014
greengirl147:

chekov-chan:

nominee84:

yanagoya:

meandmylittlevoices:

alloutorg:

URGENT: today in Russia, a terrible bill passed in the Russian parliament’s lower house that censors all things considered “gay”. It’s our local partners’ worst nightmare and we need your help. 
This vote comes off the back of two brutal anti-gay murders in Russia, and the trial of a major LGBT rights organisation today.
Tell world leaders to STOP the crackdown, add your name:www.allout.org/russia-attacks

REALLY IMPORTANT

This really is happening, and it’s scary as hell.

“Update June 12: the situation is worsening. Russia has just passed a new anti-gay law makes it illegal even to say the word “gay”.  People in Russia standing up against the crackdown are urging All Out members to keep growing the petition to help draw the attention of world leaders and the media.”

spread this like the plague 

BOOST IT!

greengirl147:

chekov-chan:

nominee84:

yanagoya:

meandmylittlevoices:

alloutorg:

URGENT: today in Russia, a terrible bill passed in the Russian parliament’s lower house that censors all things considered “gay”. It’s our local partners’ worst nightmare and we need your help. 

This vote comes off the back of two brutal anti-gay murders in Russia, and the trial of a major LGBT rights organisation today.

Tell world leaders to STOP the crackdown, add your name:
www.allout.org/russia-attacks

REALLY IMPORTANT

This really is happening, and it’s scary as hell.

Update June 12: the situation is worsening. Russia has just passed a new anti-gay law makes it illegal even to say the word “gay”.  People in Russia standing up against the crackdown are urging All Out members to keep growing the petition to help draw the attention of world leaders and the media.”

spread this like the plague 

BOOST IT!

(via shadowskylark-of-larkville)

August192014

Loki’s favorite 80s movie is “Heathers”. For all the wrong reasons, of course.

Loki’s favorite 80s movie is “Heathers”. For all the wrong reasons, of course.

(Source: blandmarvelheadcanons)

August82014

consulting-criminal-fan:

Shaving your legs. More like yoga in the shower with razor blades.

(via tranquilityzsl)

← Older entries Page 1 of 5